And I Feel Fine

Title: And I Feel Fine
Author: Golddragon85/Tovaras
Game: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Characters/pairing: Dorian Pavus/Cullen Rutherford

Disclaimer: I own nothing besides my own play-through of the games and whatever my head manages to come up with when it comes to the story and situations. ... Sadly, I don't make money out of it.

***

Dorian wasn’t a man who fell easily.

Oh, he'd succumbed to his own desires on more than one occasion; sex was a pleasant distraction after all and while he often felt numb, even empty once the act was over and done with, in the moment he was treasured, he was loved and he felt –good-.
He hadn’t felt good since he came to Ferelden, not really.

Oh, he felt fine enough, that wasn’t it. He had his health; he was liked by the people who actually mattered and, for all his complaints on the lack of proper clothing, the cold, the food, anything he could think of really, he was grateful for what he had.

No, the issue was that he felt cold on the inside as well as the outside. Lonely even.

While he was not one for keeping his bed-warmers about, Tevinter had made sure of that, he did miss the presence of a nice, firm and warm body against his own as he fell asleep, even if he woke up to an empty bed.
Not that he hadn’t had offers. Maker, he had gotten offers, especially in the night when the men had gotten a bit too much of that swill they called ale in their bodies, making them forget that he was the “Tevinter Bastard”.

He declined those offers. It was one thing that he had slept with people in Tevinter who often did not like him, but at least they respected him.

Somewhat.

These people…

They did not respect him, nor did they like him and that Dorian wanted no part of. He had enough with being the “evil magister from Tevinter”, he did not want to be known as the “whore of Skyhold” as well.

So he kept to himself and the only pleasure he got was from his own hands.

At one point he had been sorely tempted to take Bull up upon his offer, but in the end he had  resisted. He actually liked Bull, he was a good friend and if he was perfectly honest with himself, he wasn’t sure how he would be able to face him when the morning came.
In Tevinter, it had been easy to avoid those he had slept with because they in turn avoided him.
Here it was extremely hard to avoid Bull, or anyone else in the Inner Circle because they all worked together on an almost daily basis.

Besides, Dorian had made it a rule not to sleep with friends a long time ago.
Sleeping with friends ruined too much for him to even consider such a thing. The so-called deal of “friends with benefits” never worked for him, especially since it was –he- who tended to get attached.

Which was why staying friends with Cullen Rutherford was getting so extremely difficult.

Cullen Rutherford, the Commander of the Inquisition, was everything in man that Dorian wanted. He was confident when it mattered, smart, kind and while he was a little awkward, he had an air that was just so damn honest and downright adorable.

Yes, the man had his flaws, but Dorian would be lying if he believed himself to be perfect. … Of course, that he would never voice loudly save to those who was very, very close to him. This, if Dorian was to be perfectly honest with himself, pretty much boiled down to one person, namely the Inquisitor. The list had contained two names at one point, but the other one, Felix, was sadly no longer of this earth.
Not a day went by without Dorian thinking about him and missing him dearly.

When it came to Cullen, Dorian wasn’t certain if he could be considered that close yet, though he viewed the man as a good, dear friend.

And Maker knew he wanted him close. Very close. Preferably inside of him, one way or the other.

Squirming a little in his seat, Dorian tried his best to return his attention to the game of chess he was currently playing with Cullen, pretending to stretch his legs out a little before discreetly crossing one leg over the other, hopefully hiding any possible signs of his thoughts.

“You alright there, Dorian?”

“Always, my dear Commander,” Dorian replied with a confident smile. “Just relaxing in the  knowledge of my upcoming victory.”

“Truly? Is that why you just sacrificed your queen to my tower?”

“A tactical decision. Besides, I never liked that queen anyway,” Dorian quipped, waving his hand at the chessboard.

Cullen merely chuckled and smiled before taking said queen off the board, putting it next to the other white pieces he had claimed from Dorian.

“I am pleased to see you this relaxed though,” Dorian continued, shifting in his seat as he leaned over the board, studying his options. There were depressingly few, he noted. ‘Just like my life, it seems,’ he added as a silent afterthought.
“For a moment I was afraid I would have to bring you out of that tower with force.”

“I have a bit of a break now, thankfully,” Cullen said, letting out a small sigh that Dorian was sure was disappointment.
“With everything that is going on, why with our trip to the Winter Palace and the agreement with the Grey Wardens, the Mages… It has been non-stop, but I think I have handled the most important things I had on my roster. At least for now.”

“Yes, I can imagine that that roster of yours gets filled up within minutes,” Dorian murmured, finally sliding one of his pawns one square up, blocking Cullen’s Bishop from taking his horse.
“I should have my name on that roster, between midday and dinner. Permanent arrangement, yes?”

Cullen let out another chuckle before smiling at Dorian. “I wouldn’t mind it. Josephine and Leliana are constantly on my case about taking a break, but you know how it is… Once you are in the right mindset, you just can’t seem to put anything down.”

“I will admit, I have been there a time or two,” Dorian mused, which was far from the truth. In fact, Dorian found himself there just about every time he worked. The challenges he had in his research were just too good for him to stop, especially since it felt like he was –right there- half the time.
It was an intoxicating feeling in itself, almost better than sex and alcohol.

But only almost.

And since sex was just about out of the question for him since coming here and he could only work for so long before his body and mind started to hate him, alcohol had become a good friend in the cold evenings and as depressing that was to think about, the moment he had managed to drink himself into a stupor, he found that he simply didn’t care.
At least until the hangover started making itself notice and with the swill he was forced to drink here, it was more profound than those he had suffered in Tevinter.

Or maybe it just packed more of a punch, he honestly wasn’t sure.

They continued playing for a while, with Cullen silently thinking, plotting, and Dorian doing most of the talking, which consisted of mostly nothing but comments, statements and the occasional flirty banter, the latter which made Cullen’s ears the most delightful shade of red.

It was close to dinner by the time they finished up the game, with Cullen as the victor. The
Commander gave him a downright smug grin as he started collecting up the pieces. “Seems like fortune favors me once again, Dorian.”

“Don’t get smug with me, Commander,” Dorian had teased as he stood from his chair, smoothing down the seat of his pants.
“I will take my revenge before you know it.”

“I will look forward to it,” Cullen merely mused before gesturing towards the castle’s dinning-area.
“Since I am actually here and it is so close to dinner, I can might as well take the opportunity as presented to me. Would you like to accompany me?”

“Certainly, the more the merrier, no,” Dorian said, giving Cullen a warm, friendly smile while at the same time trying to squish that annoying feeling that was currently dancing around in his stomach.

It would not do him any good to start hoping.

… Again.

“I believe that is how the saying goes, yes,” Cullen mused as he opened the door to leading from the gardens and to the main hall of Skyhold, allowing for Dorian to pass through first.
Dorian, to his amazement, managed to keep back a comment of “My, such a gentleman!” or

something of the sort, feeling he had done enough flirting to keep Cullen on his toes for the day.

The dining-area was already bursting with life, with people moving back and forward between the tables; laughing, chatting, some just inhaling the food before dashing off because duty called.
Together they managed to find themselves a couple of seats after helping themselves to what the chef called “Ferelden stew”, but that Dorian had renamed “pig-slabs” because –really-, food was not supposed to be grey.
Still, he couldn’t deny the rich flavors in the stew itself and he often caught himself wondering if this was because the food was actually good despite its appearance of if his taste-buds had finally given up and died after eating one to many helpings of turnip-stew, flushed down with Ferelden beer.
It wouldn’t be the first time he had mistakenly judged a book by its cover, after all. Years of living a life where a man and woman’s appearance told more than a thousand words was hard to shake off, but he did try his best.
If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have found himself with such lovely and colorful friends like the Inquisition’s inner circle.

Ah, his father would shit his smallclothes from show if he knew the undignified (for the most part with the exception being Madam Vivienne) company Dorian was happily surrounding himself with: company that accepted him fully for the person he was, for better and for worse. He wouldn’t trade them for all the power and riches in the world.

“You are smiling,” Cullen suddenly stated, snapping Dorian out of his chain of thoughts.

“I always smile, people like my smile and they should. I have excellent teeth,” he quipped instead, making his smile wider and flashier with just a hint of straight, white teeth.

Cullen merely chuckled and smiled back. “I know, Dorian, but it was more… Fond. Sincere even. You should smile like that more often.”

Now that caught Dorian by surprise, raising an eyebrow at the peculiar comment. “I was unaware that I was smiling… Differently.”

“You do, from time to time,” Cullen commented, shrugging his shoulders slightly while scooping the remains of his stew up with a piece of bread.
“It depends on your mood, I think. Most of the time it is that normal smile of yours. Confident, disarming, charming.”

“You say that as if it is a bad thing,” Dorian sniffed, carefully breaking off a piece of his slice of bread, chewing on it slowly as he studied the man across of him.

“If it came across as that, then I apologize,” Cullen said quickly. “I certainly didn’t mean it that way. All I meant was that you have this different smile. It is… Smaller. Warmer. More sincere. More honest.” Cullen smiled weakly and shrugged his shoulders again. “I just like that smile.”

“… You do?”

“Of course. It gives me insight on the man you are behind all that bluster.”

Dorian let out a huff and resisted the urge to pick a page from Sera’s book of responses by tossing the remainder of his bread on the man.
Besides, it was good bread and he wasn’t about to throw away perfectly decent food.
“You make it sound like I am two different people. I can assure you, I am the way I am.”

“Of that I have no doubt,” Cullen replied, his smile small, but warm. Dorian could tell that the man had something else on his tongue, something he was thinking about, but nothing further was said about the matter.
“Well,” Cullen said instead as he stood up from his seat, collecting his used bowl, utensils and mug. “I suppose I should return to my own duty. I am willing to wager that I have a nice stack of reports waiting for me by now.”

“Oh… Yes, of course,” Dorian said, nodding some while hoping that the disappointment wasn’t too obvious in his gestures. Cullen’s comment had his mind peaked with curiosity and he was almost dying to know exactly what the man was thinking about him. With those thoughts that annoying spark of hope was flaring up in his stomach and he honestly had no idea what he felt about that.
“I assume I will see you again tomorrow for another round of chess?”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Cullen said before heading off out of the great hall, placing his dishes on a free table to be collected by servants later.

Dorian remained for a while longer, chewing slowly on the bottom of his lip as he stared into his half-eaten bowl of stew.
If he was to entertain that silly feeling that was all of a sudden dancing around in his stomach, then he would be willing to bet his staff on that Cullen was, Maker forbid, flirting with him.

Him.

Flirting with him.

Cullen flirting with him.

The thought of that was so silly that Dorian couldn’t help but let out a chuckle, shaking his head as he quickly sent the thought straight out the window before it would grow wings and fly around his head.
The reaction was enough to make a couple of nearby nobles look at him funnily and Dorian had to resist the urge to just grin and say “Boo”.
Sometimes, despite the hardship that came with being the “evil mage from Tevinter”, they made it entirely too easy for him. After all, if they couldn’t play nice with him, he was allowed to have fun with it.

It was only right.

Leaving the remains of his stew left untouched, Dorian brought his dishes over to the “dishes-table”, placing it neatly down as he wandered in the direction of his beloved library and the small nook he had made his own.
He could have some time for himself to properly chase away the silly thoughts that were swirling around in his mind with some proper literature. Some of Brother Genitivi’s work would do the trick, that he was certain off.

***

It didn’t go away.

No matter how much Dorian tried, the thoughts simply did not go away.

He tried reading it away, drinking it away, jerking it away (literally and figuratively), but the thought had apparently found a nice spot to lay its roots and was now stuck.
Because of it, Dorian started studying Cullen’s every single movement, every word, every look, every time they were together, be it for chess, food or just polite conversations.

And no matter how much he tried, he just couldn’t for the life of him figure it out.

It became a like a new drug, something else to occupy himself, but with this there was a great chance that Dorian would feel less than good once the high was over and done with.

This was something different than the slight cold feeling from sex, the hangovers from drinking and the headaches from research.

He was gambling with his heart now and he felt he had everything to lose, and he honestly couldn’t tell what would be the worse outcome; the hurt in his heart from rejected feelings that were steadily growing inside him, or the loss of a person who he would very much like to call “a dear friend”.
It was almost like a guessing game where Dorian would look at Cullen, study his movements and ask himself  questions like “was that gesture a bit suggestive or was it just a bug fluttering around his ear?” or “he looked at me for a very long time… Is there something on my face?”.

It was exciting and nerve-wrecking at the same time.

If Cullen noticed his intense staring and studying, he was polite enough not to say anything,  seemingly acting as if everything was normal.

For him it probably was.

However, the more time passed, the more frustrated Dorian became with the game he had created for himself because he was left with more questions than answers and with feelings he had no idea what to do with.
As a result he became snappier towards everyone, especially if he was busy. While he was no
stranger to sarcastic remarks there had always been very little malice behind the things he actually said, but this had changed. If someone disturbed him or asked him questions, he would non-to-subtly remark them and send them off with a sharp “If there is nothing else, some of us are quite busy!” before shutting them off.
He didn’t spend as much time in the Tavern either and the few times he did, he was distant, hardly talking, always thinking.  His friends had noticed, naturally, and Bull started remarking about the “little black raincloud over his head”. It was downright embarrassing, being so caught up in Cullen and his not-so-strange behavior that he was letting the depressing results out on his friends without even knowing it.
Bull had merely offered to hear him out if he needed to talk while Sera had threatened his more private parts with pointy things if he “didn’t stop acting like the other fancy-breeches who looks like they’ve smelled something funny when they see you, yeah?”, or something to that effect.
And with hint properly received, Dorian set out on actually becoming a social creature again, to the best of his abilities.

Sadly, he wasn’t very successful.

In fact, the entire thing made him embarrassed enough to actually forget not one, but several of his “appointments” with Cullen, missing out on several games of chess because he simply could not stand facing anyone when he was in such a strange mood.
No, he needed time to find himself again, perhaps meditate, or drink it all away. Whatever would work, really, because he knew he was being unreasonable.

Which was why the soft, careful knock on his door came as such a surprise.

At first he suspected it was the Inquisitor, perhaps home from whatever cold or sandy or humid place they had been too, ready to present Dorian with new books or information that he could sink his teeth into.

It would certainly be welcome.

So when he opened door and revealed Cullen’s concerned face, he couldn’t help but just stare at him. “… Commander?”

Cullen looked almost embarrassed, but the worry was able to overcome any nerves the man might have had. “I… I was merely checking up on you,” he said, clearing his throat some while rubbing the back of his neck with the leather-gloved hand.
“Nobody had seen you for some time and you have missed several of our chess-games and… Well. I was merely concerned if you were unwell.”

Dorian hoped his own face didn’t appear as hot as it felt, hoping to disarm Cullen with one of his usual smiles. “Why, Commander, I didn’t think you cared,” he quipped while leaning against the doorframe.

Cullen frowned somewhat at that statement. “Of course I care, Dorian. You are my friend and you are usually not one to forget appointments or agreements. I was worried something bad had happened to you.”

The statement had Dorian stare at Cullen, lips slightly parted and a look of confusion on his face. “… You actually did worry,” he stated softly, which in turn made Cullen frown more.

“Of course I did.”

“Well then,” Dorian said before letting a softer, honest smile appear on his lips. “You don’t need to worry anymore. I am fine, it was all… Well. It was personal,” he tried to explain. “Something I had to deal with and while I apologize deeply that I did not have the mindset or manners to actually cancel our appointments, making you worry, it was just something I had to deal with on my own. I will happily make it up to you tonight, Commander, if you are-,”

“Cullen,” Cullen interrupted Dorian. “… Please. Call me Cullen. You… You always say Commander and I like to think that like this, outside of rank… That we are friends.”

“… Of course,” Dorian murmured, feeling his heart skip a beat. “Cullen.
He cleared his throat somewhat, looking away from the intense gaze as he felt himself being rather heavily scrutinized. “As I was saying, I will be more than happy to make up for my failed appearances tonight, if you are interested. Or tomorrow, if tonight does not suit you.”

“No,” Cullen said, tilting his head some as he looked at Dorian. “… I… No.”

“… Of course,” Dorian said, already tasting the disappointment in his mouth. Of course Cullen wouldn’t want that. Dorian had all but ignored him because he couldn’t deal with his own emotions and now Cullen was cutting his losses. He had learned what a selfish, bad friend Dorian could be.
“I will not trouble you further then, Cullen, I-“

Cullen once again interrupted him, but not with words this time. Instead Dorian felt Cullen’s hand on his cheek, forcing him to look back at the Commander before he found himself at the receiving end of a rather insisting kiss.
He let out a small surprised sound before his eyes slid shut, leaning into the kiss as he reached out, grasping at the feathery mantle that decorated the Commander’s shoulders. He had no idea how long the kiss lasted, but in his mind it was not enough, letting out a soft whine as the kiss broke.

As they pulled apart, Dorian only stared at Cullen, looking confused. “… What was that for?” he asked, his voice slightly hoarse.

“That was for me,” Cullen whispered back, his eyes only half-open as he looked at Dorian. “… To ensure me that everything is okay.”

“Cullen..?”

“Perhaps I have been too subtle… I know I am not the best when it comes to… To this,” Cullen continued, gestured between them. “I have never had the pleasure of having someone… Close to me. There was so much happening in my life and I just-,” he trailed off, eyes lowering to look at the hand that was still entangled in his mantle.
“I like you, Dorian,” he said instead, a heavy sigh escaping him as he did so. “And I… I think, or rather hope, that I am not mistaken when I say that you, perhaps, like me too?”
The statement made way to a question as Cullen looked back up, letting his eyes meet with Dorian’s grey ones, staring intensely into them.

Dorian just stared at Cullen, his mouth slightly open.

“… Or am I mistaken?” Cullen asked carefully, his hopeful look all of a sudden guarded, almost frightened.

“No, I… No,” Dorian said quickly, shaking his head and tightening his grip on Cullen’s mantle, afraid that the man would bolt off if he released him.
“I just… I thought that… I didn’t think that you were interested in… In me. I… I flirted for fun at the start yes, but I didn’t think that I was ... Obvious with my interested… I wasn’t even aware of it myself until a little while ago…”

Cullen visibly relaxed, the frightened look giving way for a more tender expression, the smile and eyes saying things that Dorian wasn’t sure he was understanding. He wasn’t sure exactly what this was.

“I thought as much,” the commander murmured, slowly placing a hand on Dorian’s hip.
“I studied you very intensely when we first met and then some. Trying to place you and your
intensions. When you started your flirting, I was having a hard time knowing what it meant, so I watched you when you spoke with others and I saw that you did it with almost everyone. But then the words… The way you spoke. They changed some and as I listened, I could hear that you didn’t flirt much with others.”

Now that was surprising.

Dorian had no idea that Cullen had been so observant when it came to Dorian’s behavior, but it made sense. While he hardly knew everything about the Commander, he knew that the man had had a rather rough time in his life, that he had a fear and somewhat dislike for magic. It made sense for him to watch the “Evil Magister from Tevinter” until he learned that Dorian was harmless.

Well… Mostly harmless.

He had, however, been unaware that he had stopped flirting with others at some point, but when he thought about it, Cullen’s words rang true. At some point and Dorian honestly couldn’t say when, he had stopped the casual flirting. Sure, he still did it from time to time with the Inquisitor and the flirting with Bull was just the way things were, but other than that…
Cullen must have realized what Dorian was thinking because the man just continued to smile, the hand on Dorian’s hip sliding around Dorian’s waist until it was resting snuggly at the small of his back, slowly pulling him forward.

“It wasn’t just that,” he murmured softly. “I could tell that you were curious about something, when it came to me. You studied me, almost as hard as I studied you, but I could tell that you were… Pondering more than you were studying.”

Dorian could feel that he was blushing and he couldn’t help but look down, despite the hand that was still resting so gently on his cheek. “It seems like I was a lot more obvious than I realized,” he replied, voice low. “I must have been losing my touch since coming here to the South.”

“Or perhaps us Barbarians just look at things in a different way than you do in Tevinter,” Cullen offered, making Dorian chuckle.

“Perhaps.”
He paused for a moment, just thinking about what was currently going on before looking up at
Cullen. “… So what does this mean?”

“Well,” Cullen murmured, leaning in to press his forehead against Dorian’s. “I would like to court you. To do it right. I do not know exactly what your… Thoughts and feelings are, but I would like it if you allowed me to show you that I am sincere in my feelings towards you.”

“And what are your feelings, Commander,” Dorian asked softly, releasing the grip on Cullen’s mantle so he could grasp at his upper arms instead, giving them a small tug to show that Cullen could hold him harder.

“I like you,” Cullen whispered, smiling some. “And my feelings are… Strong. To me, you are an enigma. Something… Untouchable. I would like to solve it.”

“So you can touch me?” Dorian asked innocently, earning a downright adorable chuckle and snort from Cullen.

“… Eventually, yes. I can state the obvious things, of course. You are handsome, smart, funny. But there are so much more to you and I would like to get to know the parts you don’t show that often.”

“So it is curiosity?”

“Hardly.” Cullen leaned in and stole a brief, but warm kiss from Dorian.
“I mean it when I say that I like you. And that I am very attracted to you.”

“So… You will court me then?” Dorian asked, allowing himself to smile and to hope.

“If you will permit me.”

“I’d be a fool to say no,” Dorian breathed out before leaning in to kiss Cullen, letting out a sigh of pleasure as the ex-Templar wrapped both arms around him, tugging him as close as his armor would permit.

“So about that decline in chess tonight,” Dorian asked, licking over his tingly lips.

“No chess tonight,” Cullen replied firmly, but the smile was still on his lips. “Tonight… We’ll talk. And eat. Together. Is that alright?”

“More than alright,” Dorian confirmed allowing himself another kiss before Cullen reluctantly pulled away.

“I will pick you up then around dinnertime,” he said, giving Dorian a soft smile as he took a step back.
“And we can see where the evening take us from there?”

“I would be delighted.“

“Until then.” Cullen gave him a small, awkward wave with his hand before walking down the hallway.

Dorian watched him, a small smile of his own playing on his lips from the rather pleasant surprise of it all.
He did not know what it all meant or what would even come off it. It was new, certainly scary and it was completely uncharted territory as far as Dorian was concerned; almost the stuff the bad stories his mother was secretly reading when his father was not home.
The only thing he did know was he was not in Tevinter anymore and that Cullen was not the type of man to bed someone and leave in the morning.

Perhaps, Dorian thought as he closed the door to his bedchambers, allowing himself a moment to smile. Perhaps this was just the start of him finally being able to feel good.

It certainly felt that way.