Sentinel - Chapter Eighteen

Title: Sentinel
Author: Golddragon85/Tovaras
Game: Mass Effect
characters/pairing: Male John Shepard/Kaidan Alenko
Disclaimer: I own nothing besides my own playthrough of the games. ... Sadly, I don't make money out of it.

***

Missing Limb:

It was supposed to be a routine-mission.

That’s what the brass had told them since they started the damn mission in the Terminus System, looking for lost ships and Geth.
For four days they had been scanning the area, finding nothing.

Then they had arrived.

Everything had happened to fast, too fast for Kaidan to really register what the hell was going on. He was going on autopilot. He supposed all those years of training for emergencies were finally paying off, but he would have preferred that he would never have to use them in the first place.
Still, as set as he was on getting people to safety, there was still one clear thought left in his head as he rushed down the halls of the Normandy, dodging fire and sparks from the ruined electronics, bumping past people fleeing.
He had to be crazy, going towards the danger instead of running away with the others.

When he found Shepard, the man was as cool and collected as always. He was suited up and was already trying to get the fire in the back under control, buying his crew time to escape. Buying the Normandy time.
Kaidan informed him about the situation on the other side, about Joker refusing to leave. Telling Shepard that he wouldn’t leave him.
The only thing he could remember clearly after that was Shepard telling him to get people into the escape-pods while he was getting Joker.

No, that was wrong. Shepard ordered him, knowing that Kaidan wouldn’t refuse a direct order.

Kaidan should have disobeyed. He should have been the one to do get Joker.
He had known Joker didn’t want to abandon ship, he should have skipped the chain of command and just gone for him.
He should have ignored Shepard when he had told him to get out.

Now he was sitting in an empty escape-shuttle, having fallen back there in order to think. In order to digest what the hell had happened.
His hands were shaking, his mouth felt dry, he was nauseas and he had the migraine of a life-time crawling up into his skull, leaving it pounding.
He didn’t really feel any of it.

All he could think about was had happened just ten minutes ago.

As soon as the escape-pods had landed, Kaidan had done a check-up on the remaining crew, trying to confirm who was where, who were still alive and if there was anyone who needed urgent medical help.
In retrospect, those who had escaped had been lucky. Whoever had targeted the Normandy had been completely uninterested in the pods.

He had been damn lucky.

This was also the reason why the message from Joker had almost overwhelmed him. He had felt physically ill, nauseas. He knew he had frozen on the spot, eyes staring at Joker in disbelief. There were so many things he had wanted to ask, he had wanted to scream and shout. He wanted to blame Joker, but he also wanted to blame himself.

“Lieutenant Alenko… Kaidan… I… Shit. Shepard… Shepard didn’t make it to the damn pod. It… He got spaced.” Joker had gritted his teeth, his head so low that his cap was completely hiding his eyes. “Shit, it’s my fault...”

The croaked out “Thank you, Lieutenant. Then… Then we know that,” that escaped him had surprised Kaidan. Even if his voice had been hoarse, it had been clear and unwavering.
He was surprised he had managed to get out anything even if it had sounded completely neutral.
Sometimes autopilot was a good thing, he supposed.

It didn’t last long though.

As soon as he had gotten the emergency pylon up and running, and divided the staff into groups, he had retreated back to one of the escape-pods. He just needed a moment for… He wasn’t really sure.
He was still feeling downright numb, like he wasn’t sure how the hell he was supposed to react. He expected anger, sorrow, anything, but instead he just felt… Nothing. Empty.

So Kaidan ended up just sitting there, staring out into the air, feeling his body tremble ever so slightly, his breathing slightly faster than normal.
If he didn’t know better, Kaidan would have sworn he was going into shock.

Kaidan couldn’t really remember clearly what went down after he went into the pod.
Seemed like the destruction of the Normandy was investigated rather quickly; Kaidan guessed that was the work of the pylons as well as the loss of signal since the Alliance liked to keep a tag of the ship after all the shit that had happened over the last year.
How much time had passed, Kaidan wasn’t sure, but he guessed it hadn’t been more than forty-eight hours.
He barely remembered briefing the captain in charge of their rescue about the situation, then talking to Admiral Hackett over a private com-link once he and the crew had been safely brought into the ship. Unlike what had happened at the Normandy, Kaidan had not left the area until every single person who had survived had been brought safely to the ship first.

It was almost as if a small part of him wanted for –something- to happen so he could make up for what had happened at the Normandy, even if he knew so very well that he probably couldn’t have done anything different.
For now, he could only try to do what Shepard would have done and that was getting the crew home.

Hackett took the news of Shepard’s death as well as one could expect. Not that Kaidan was surprised. Hackett was a soldier: tough. Used to hard missions and hard news. But even an idiot could see the grief in the older man’s eyes, even if his composure and expression was as professional as always.
Kaidan was sure his own posture mirrored Hackett’s: professional on the outside, grieving on the inside.

Of course, there was that tiny difference between him and Hackett.
While Hackett had been a close friend of Shepard’s: a teacher as well as his superior, Kaidan had been that little extra.

Now he understood why fraternization was so frowned upon. It wasn’t only the risk of distraction or a weakness.
It was the grief and the pain the other was left when the loved one died.
The anger and the desire to simple throw everything out the window and hunt down the sons of bitches that had killed their other half, not caring about the risks and the danger.

The trip back to the Citadel had been quiet and, thankfully, uneventful.
It had been the logical choice to go there. Anderson, having been made Councillor by Shepard’s suggestion, wanted to talk to Kaidan personally and it was the closest station compared to Earth.
During the trip, Kaidan had mostly been left alone and while he tried to make himself useful on the ship, he could feel himself drift in and out of focus, not really registering what the hell was going on around him.
He was numb and he was guessing that the shock was finally overriding the autopilot he had been on. He was not looking forward to when the numbness finally passed so he could taste that grief.

Neither Anderson nor Hackett, appearing by holo-call, kept him for long when he was called into Anderson’s office to give his report. He didn’t even protest when they told him that they would pull him out of active duty for a while in order to recover from the ordeal.
Oh, he had wanted to. But that part of him that would always be a soldier, that responsible part of him that he wanted to go to hell, understood. Like this, the risk of him doing something wrong was way too big. A soldier in shock risked not only his own life but the life of others.
It was just common sense.
But he also wanted a distraction so he could put off that grief for as long as he could. Thinking about other things helped prevent the thoughts of straying to Shepard for too long.

When the call finished and Kaidan got up to leave, Anderson placed a hand on his shoulder, preventing him from leaving.
“Son, I want to talk to you some more. In private.”

“Sir?”

Anderson held his hand up. “No sir here, Alenko. Please. Have a seat.”

Kaidan took a seat on the chair Anderson was gesturing towards, looking up at the older man with a wary look.
Anderson moved to sit on his desk, facing Kaidan with a somewhat tired look on his face. The man had probably slept as little as Kaidan had. The Council was riding him something fierce and in-between the hushing up of the Reapers, the cover-ups and in general politics, the death of the first human Spectre was ill-timed.
Not only that, but Anderson and Shepard had been close, closer than Hackett and Shepard had been.
Heck, maybe closer than Kaidan and Shepard had been.

“I’d like for you to do a few things for me, Alenko,” Anderson started, snapping Kaidan out of his small chain of thoughts.
“Two things, to be precise.”

“Anything, sir.”

“First things first. While you are off active duty, I want you to talk to someone.”
Anderson held his hands up, silencing the lieutenant before he could even speak.
“I have lost people as well, Alenko. And I know you and Shepard were good friends. Close. You bonded, which I am happy you did. He spoke highly off you, said you had been an asset he couldn’t have been without during this conflict.”

If Anderson noticed how Kaidan’s cheeks seemed to burn, he had the good grace not to comment on it.
“I… I didn’t know that, sir. He… He was a good friend to me as well.”

Anderson nodded. “Loosing a fellow soldier is one thing. Loosing a brother in arm is another. You worked closely together during a difficult mission. That does something, Alenko. It brings a close friendship unlike any other. It was easy to see, in both your and Shepard’s reports, that you two were able to work with a trust and level of comfort as if you were brothers.”
He shook his head a little bit, looking away from Kaidan for just a moment. “And the way that things went down, according to you and flight lieutenant Moreau, was especially rough. I can see the signs, Alenko. And I want you to take a few sessions with an alliance psychologist. Just to air your thoughts out. Can you do that for me?”

“I…” Kaidan bit his bottom lip. He wasn’t really comfortable around shrinks. It wasn’t exactly a secret that he kept things to himself. He had better control that way.
But he also knew that Anderson was right. Airing things out… It could help, even just a little bit.
“Yes, sir. I can do that.”

“Good man. Before you do that though, take a week or so off. Go visit your parents. They are in Vancouver, are you not?”

Kaidan nodded. “Yes sir.”

“Then go see them. Take some time off and relax. You will be off duty for about a month, paid of course. I want you to see the physiatrist twice a week for that month, then I'll ask for an evaluation so I can see if you can be put back on active duty. That understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. The second thing I want you to do for me, Alenko, is a bit… More personal.”

Kaidan swallowed heavily. He did not like the sound of that. “Sir?”

Anderson sighed some and ran a hand over the short hair on his head. “Shepard’s funeral here is in three days. What he did for the Council and the Citadel, let alone the galaxy, was more than enough for the Council and they want to erect a grave here. Since Shepard had no family or next in kin, I couldn’t protest it.”
He elder man looked at Kaidan, locking their gaze together and holding it. “But he had you. You were the one who got to know him the best over the last months. You worked with him, fought with him, spoke to him.”

“What do you want me to do,” Kaidan asked, his voice cracking a little bit.

“I want you to say a few words at his ceremony. All of the old Normandy crew will, of course, be welcome and invited. I will be handling the arrangements and I will call you and a few others in a couple of days, if that is okay.”

Kaidan just stared at Anderson, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times. “You… You want me to..?”

“Say a few words, yes. If you think you are up for it, Alenko. I know it’s a hard job and I know you are grieving,” Anderson started, then fell silent as Kaidan lifted his hand and shook his head.

“No, don’t… Don’t say anything, please. I…” He swallowed before giving Anderson a firm nod.
“I’d be honoured to speak at Shepard’s funeral, sir, but I don’t know if I can do it justice…”

“I cannot think of anyone better than you to speak, Alenko,” Anderson murmured, shifting off the desk and walked over to the biotic, placing a warm, friendly hand on his shoulder.
“You are a good man. I didn’t need Shepard to tell me that, I saw it the first time I saw you. You are honest, fair. Kind. If anyone can make Shepard justice, it’s you.”

“No pressure, huh?” Kaidan said, trying to force up a smile.
To Anderson’s credit, the older man managed better than he did.

“None at all.”

He patted Kaidan one last time on the shoulder before releasing him, returning to his desk. “That would be it for now though, Alenko. You should get yourself a proper meal and some rest. You’ve had a tough few days.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir,” Kaidan replied, standing up somewhat stiffly, his mind was already spinning. A speech in Shepard’s honour… What the hell was he even going to say? There was so much he –wanted- to say, but unless he wanted to piss on Shepard’s honour, he couldn’t utter a word of it.
This was both an honour and so damn painful at the same time.
He didn’t blame Anderson, of course. He didn’t know what he and Shepard had become, if there was even a word for it. More than fuck-buddies, but not quite lovers…

He walked out of Anderson’s office, almost running into Udina on the way. He mumbled a quick “My apologizes, sir,” as he stepped away from him, not noticing the sour look on the man’s face.
He was way too wrapped up in his own thoughts by now.

Kaidan didn’t have an apartment at the Citadel, but the Alliance did have a base with rooms for their personnel. It would do for now, especially since he couldn’t go anywhere until after the funeral.

Still, there was one thing he could do…

As soon as he had been handed the key card to the room he would be using, Kaidan sat down onto the bed to make a quick phone call. There was no need to unpack, everything he had had been destroyed when the Normandy went down.
It didn’t even take ten seconds before his call went through and the sound of the warm, female voice that answered made him feel a little bit better.

“Hey, mom. Say, how would you like to have a visitor in about four days..?”